Pants are overrated

The misadventures of my negative ego continue in public…

I took my negative ego out for a stroll in leggings last weekend. It was right after I saw a Facebook rant titled “Leggings are NOT pants!” That was all the motivation I needed to slap some on and go out in public.

I follow fashion trends. Let me be clear, I don’t always wear them, I just like to look at the pictures in magazines and see what’s in this season and make mental notes of what I “could” or “should” be wearing, or perhaps what I’d wear if I were Gisele.

When leggings came back in, I was overjoyed! I remembered 1992, and leggings like I remembered Saturday morning cartoons paired with a fine hardened marshmallow cereal. Then I thought, “Oh hell, I’m almost 40! That trend can’t happen for me (frowny face).” But then, like the magic of Christmas, leggings were everywhere and on everyone! Praise Oprah! They were in stores on mannequins, in advertisements, on commercials, and on people out shopping!

As soon as the leggings trend spread, so did the social media attack against my little stretchy friends. I was horrified! Leggings are magical. They are my new yoga pants! My old sweat pants! Spandex and cotton joined in holy matrimony for the sake of making my ass, and waistline happy is the greatest invention since someone decided to put a sweater over them, add some boots, and call it an outfit!

I can wear them to an all you can eat buffet and not have to unbutton them. They expand with my stomach. Added bonus if I have a sweater on, I can have a beer AND cover the bloat. GENIUS people! G-E-N-I-U-S!

I’m not fat, but I feel like I look like I am, and I do have some wobbly bits. I think most women can relate to that. I have been overweight, 90 lbs overweight. I carry the stretch marks of Gwen’s birth, and underarm fat that friends swear will go away if do something called “lift weights”.

All of this translates into, “no one wants to see your cellulite!” and, “you look better clothed” when I stand in the mirror. I have jeggings. What’s the difference between those and leggings? A zipper, and pockets. Pockets go a long way in breaking up your ass and keeping it from looking like a movie screen. Pockets also seem to protect your ass from feeling naked. A zipper seems to legitimize bottoms, it’s what makes them “pants”.

I don’t care that my leggings aren’t legitimate. I love them anyway. I slapped on some leggings and a shirt and took myself out of town to see how far I could go with them. I did not look down while I had those things on. If I didn’t look down, they were “pants”, and I looked the way I wanted to look in them (fantastic!). I also avoided most gas stations for fill ups, and getting out of my car in general, until I had to pee so badly getting out of the car was unavoidable. I didn’t have pockets to protect me, or a zipper to legitimize my bastard bottoms. This was insanity.

I eventually got out of the car and then the craziest thing happened…No one noticed I had leggings on. No one stared like I was the hideous creature they claim I would have been on social media.  People let me in stores even though I kept thinking, “I have NO pants on!” Crazy! People even complimented my hair! Unbelievable! Unaware that I had NO pants on, they noticed my hair! Then, it happened, TWO people, on TWO separate occasions, compliments my PANTS. What fools! I didn’t have any on! HAHA! I deemed my little experiment was a success. Leggings were, in fact, OK.

I was having a conversation yesterday with a friend whom I shall call “Perfect Mom”. Perfect Mom is almost annoying in her perfection. She’s the mom we all want to be. Spends time on her commercial worthy hair, spends time at the gym, is smart, resourceful, nice, blablabla, looks great, manages a butt load of kids, and can wear the hell out of some leggings! Here’s the thing, she won’t! GASP!

She had posted an adorable fair aisle leggings outfit to Facebook, or Pinterest, or something. I saw the leggings at Target, and mentioned this when I saw her. She said, “Oh yeah but I can’t wear them. I’m afraid I’ll look fat.” Yep, Perfect Mom said that. I told her not to look down if that was her problem. That was the most realistic advice I could give her. That’s what I do! I don’t look at myself, and bravely march forward with scary outfits. I told her to wear them. Wear the hell out them. This is my plan, until they go out of style, fall apart, or my cellulite starts showing through them, I am going to wear the hell out of some leggings!

This isn’t about leggings as much as it is about all the nasty things we say to ourselves. It’s not just leggings we do this with. I had a friend not wear a pair of leopard print ballet flats with jeans, and black t-shirt because she was afraid of being judged. Someone, somewhere, probably said “whores wear that print”, or someone at Walmart wore it in a half shirt. My neighbor won’t wear a bathing suit to the pool, she wears shorts in the water. Whatever it is, no matter how tastefully done, how fashionable, some asshole said something negative, and we picked up on it, and just agreed.

Stop listening to your negative ego (and that jerk that posts his/her negative opinion on ev-er-y-thing-a) for a second and just feel. How do you feel in your skin in, those leggings, the ballet flats, or with that red purse? Do you feel comfortable? Confident? Dangerous? Do you feel good? You should.

Take a lesson from the people of Walmart! They have egos of steel! Go out, and be fierce! Ask yourself not, “What would Jesus do?” Ask yourself, “What would the people of Walmart do?” They would wear the leggings because they just feel good!

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Pants are overrated

  1. Sheila

    Who knew leggings could be inspirational. I still think I will pass on wearing them. Not because of what you did or didn’t say but because I don’t even think it should be legal to make them in my size. Gross! You are right. I have seen people in Walmart wearing them.

    Reply

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