Elf Shaming

There are very few things I hate about the Christmas season. Top of the list will always be the Carpenters singing Christmas carols. Second on the list, and fighting hard for first place, is that damned Elf. I can’t wait till Christmas is over so I can stop being Elf Shamed!

I loved the idea of Elf on the Shelf. What a great little story! Some genius mom invented a creepy little spy to keep her kids in check for an entire month. She made a bazillion dollars on top of that. Happiest ending ever! Way to go lady! Plus 4 points to the lady that invents the creepy spy to keep them in check all year, and after they find out who really sponsors the holiday. Let’s face it, “Santa’s watching!” doesn’t work in May.  It certainly doesn’t work once the kids start snooping, and sharing stories at the school lunch table. 

Years ago when “Peppermint” arrived I was excited to play that whole game with Gwen, until I realized how much work it was. Work like REMEBERING TO MOVE THE DAMN THING! I’m lucky I remember to feed the dogs, and they only get fed because they go to the bowls and curse at me in the form of a pathetic starving whine. 

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Gwen usually hates going to bed, and getting up. Peppermint shouldn’t be a problem for me to move in the mornings. There is something magical about Christmas break though! Gwen is up later than I am, and up before I am most days now. What luck! 

I would love to be that mom that cleverly thinks of ways to get Peppermint to give Barbie a massage, throw a bubble bath party for the Monster High ghouls, or maybe make my coffee! At this rate, Peppermint has been flung on the floor in a desperate attempt to not get busted moving him so many times I am surprised his head is still attached. I’d also love to be that mom that puts her kid to bed, and that kid stays in her bed all night, but that’s another blog post entirely.

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The moms that are Elf Shaming me all over the internet need to get lazy. I am tired of being Elf Shamed. Why can’t they forget? Or just sit the stupid thing on a shelf and leave it there, make up a story about how the Elf didn’t want to be a spy anymore and he wanted to be a lazy hobo or something.  I might even do that next year!  These moms are overachievers. I bet their kids make honor roll too. Disgusting.

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Every morning has been a race against Gwen to get to Peppermint to move his lazy Elf carcass to another spot. So far he’s made it across the length of the living room floor, face down, inch by inch, and that’s it. He’s inching over to the door, I think, so he can find a new home. Maybe it will be the home of a mom that will spoil him with Barbie bubble baths while crooning to the Carpenter’s. I can only hope. Good luck, Peppermint. Now’s your chance, because if you don’t relocate this year, it’s Hoboville for you in 2014!

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3 thoughts on “Elf Shaming

  1. MooreCoMom

    If I may, darling- reiterate and expand on the bitch who invented said Elf on the Shelf and all of the over-achieving parents who create fabulous vignettes every evening/morning: “I hate you all.” Let’s list all of the negative things that EotS has brought to Advent:
    1. More lying!
    2. More spending: albeit mostly just marshmallows & toothpicks- but shit adds up.
    3. Sleep deprivation: Christ- I don’t care if it’s taking 30 seconds away from my sleeping- I am a freaking parent and sleep is sometimes all I EVER do for myself in a 24 hour period.
    4. More guilt: “I suck- I forgot to move the Elf”
    5. More stress: Yeah, cause that’s what I need every morning- my kids to start crying because the Elfa didn’t move (fly back to North Pole to give Santa a report).
    6. An increase in drug and alcohol consumption. I mean, how else am I going to deal with all of these negative emotions?
    7. Self-loathing: I am not strong enough to NOT buy into this fad. I have succeeded in only promoting my child to be “scared” into behaving better, and I have made them gullible to believe what I say “because I’m the mom.”
    Thank you, Bethanie for providing a place for me to rant. Merry Christmas.

    Reply
  2. Sheila

    I agree with the idea that the person who created the “Elf on the Shelf” had to make some $ off the deal. I can see how it might be nice to get your children to behave for 1 month maybe 2 out of the year because you lie to them that a stuffed elf is watching them and reporting to Santa. But I would prefer to get them to behave because they know if they don’t I will always put them in their place all year long. I luckily somehow missed the boat on the elf. I am glad because my daughter rarely if ever gets paid by the tooth fairy on time, she pays late fees at my house. I can never remember or stay up late enough to sneak in her room. In fact, I think the tooth fairy is the reason she figured out Santa. I would have been busted long before if I had started Elfing.

    Reply

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